I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
