I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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