Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
