At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
