You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
