Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
