so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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