The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
