I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
