Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
