i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You're like the curious george of whores
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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