If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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