I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
