i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
