I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
