It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
