Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
