Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
