Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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