he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
