I think my vagina is haunted
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
