Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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