that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
