I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
