My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
