I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
