Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
