I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
