I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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