I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
