I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
