Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
