there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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