shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
one two three fourrrrnication!
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
