I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
there is glitter all over my balls
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