i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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