just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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