chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
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