I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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