headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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