there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
