so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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