my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
