Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
