I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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