my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
