He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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