Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
