this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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