my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
