why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
